For the first time
in my life I have time to date. I have steady income, a steady job, my career
is finally starting to slowly chug forwards, and for the first time ever- my
bed is feeling a bit too wide. But the thing is- how does one go about dating? For my age, I will admit that I
could be considered a bit inexperienced. But I have had boyfriends, and I have
had ahem- relations. However dating in the real world, i.e. not at
university/full time education, is entirely different. And Tinder taught me this,
(almost) the hard way. I got out by the skin of my teeth, reader, I was one of
the lucky ones.
At uni getting into
relationships for me was a whole different ballgame, and I was quite lucky. I
always think of that bit in Gilmore Girls in the one where Rory starts dating
and Lorelai is all like “its always been fairly easy for you, you’ve always had
boyfriends just happen to you” or whatever it is she says when I recall my uni
dating days. I don’t know about you, but when I dated at uni it just happened
so naturally. We would hang out, which would lead to them sleeping over, which
would lead to a sneaky kiss, which would lead to dating or in my most intense
cases, a fast-track route to full on boyfriend-girlfriend relationship. In a
way, it reminded me of primary school “going out”. A mutual agreement, sealed
with a hand-in-hand amble around the playground.
However, adult
dating is different. And for me, it started in the worst place. A random
re-download of Tinder. After experimenting with it in my final year of
university, my phone forever buzzing with some guy, irritatingly interrupting
my reading of Freud for my dissertation (the only man in my life at the time, a
very happy partnering, which ended civilly, we may even get back together
again), I had to remove it from my iphone. I then got it again a few months
later when the boy I fancied at work disclosed that he had it (“it was great at
uni for hooking up randomly”) and I just “happened” to use it when in his area…
I deleted it furiously a few weeks after my time at that job ended, because
again, I got sick of the haranguing. Not to mention the vast superficiality of
being matched with someone based on looks alone.
You may hear people
say of Tinder “it’s a lot easier for girls as they will get more likes” but
this is exactly why it makes it harder
for us girls. I have had guys basically tell me they will rape me, (see
image), guys send me images of their genitalia, I have had guys send me abusive
messages because I am not replying after liking them. I questioned my own
actions contributing to this at the time, accusing myself of maybe being a
tease as I did swipe right (or left? Can’t remember) to him. But then I
realised that not replying to someone who is sending me passive aggressive
messages is something that I am perfectly within my rights, as a woman with
free will and choice, to do.
But for me, the
worst time with Tinder was when I actually started liking someone. It began as
just a few messages every few weeks. Which then lead to essays every day, so we
eventually decided to meet up. This guy was a bit of an arse, he slagged off
Fine Art, was very materialistic and motivated by money, and was a distant ex
of one of my friends, he was also pretty good looking. So basically, he had a big
KEEP THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME sign sparkling above his head, so naturally, I did
the exact opposite. That mixed with my desperate desire for a loving
relationship was potent, and I didn’t even realise.
Our first date went
really well, and we even agreed to meet up the next day, as we were both free.
My feelings were feeling pretty good at this stage, he had be en messaging me
tons previous to us meeting up, and wanted to see me the next day? He must want
a relationship! Surely! But this was before.
What happened the
next night was so bizarre and awkward that I am finding it hard to even write
about it, which is weird for me, as I have always since I was about 5 or 6,
written about everything and anything with the easiest of ease. So I will just
cut to it- basically me inviting him over was “an error”, as one of my good
friends politely put it. Nothing happened between us, and I felt happy with
this, I didn’t want to rush into anything, especially as it was only our second
“date” (?? If you can call it that?) and he could not have ran out of the door
quicker once the film we were watching was over. He barely messaged the next
day, nor the day after. And I was a mad woman. By the second day of not much
conversation, I was practically on the ceiling. Did he like me? Should I
message him? I felt my inner child stamping her feet impetuously, why won’t he
message me? Its not fairrrrrr, it’s been three hours he must have thought to
message me surely? I was a woman possessed, and I hated it. I didn’t sleep all
night. The dream was over. I felt discarded; it was like all those job
applications I had failed except this was worse because it was a direct
criticism on my own personality, my life. “On this occasion your application to
go out then be together and then maybe get married and make lots of babies has
been unsuccessful”. His silence spoke volumes, and it made me feel so
redundant. That week my work became less organised, my copywriting completely
off, I caught myself actively frowning when on the bus, I stared blankly into
the fridges in tesco express. “Why doesn’t he like me?” going round in my mind.
My brain was just
recovering from the shock of my first date since my last boyfriend (who I could
probably say, broke my heart a little bit), and now thankfully, I do feel a lot
better. I just realised that I had made three vital mistakes.
1)
I had used Tinder as a means to build a
meaningful relationship, a connection with another human being which had
substance and depth, regardless of it’s rep as a pure booty call app
2)
I didn’t have any other applicants. I had this
one guy with no backups, so the fall out was worse when I had no other nice
little chats as distraction and antidote for my bruised ego
3)
I lost sight of myself. Something I have always
struggled with is my own self-esteem. I know I have looks, and brains, and that
I am funny and articulate, but sometimes I just didn’t really believe that.
Like the beautiful landscape is off in the distance, but I couldn’t see it
without a pair of binoculars to sharpen up the view. And the focus instead went
onto him. This is something I am aware that I do when someone I like shows up,
and its always toxic for me, I am trying to work on it now.
He validated me, made
me feel admired and fancied, and my ego swelled with the attention, so when he
was gone I was left starving for it. But it is highly likely that he just
didn’t want a relationship, and this, readers, is why I hate Tinder. The men
who don’t know what they want are there, the men who want an easy option. I wouldn’t
even say they are men actually, as they are afraid, they are boys. My dad said
something to me which I found pretty spot on, “the thing is with your
generation is that you all don’t know how to talk to each other. You’re all afraid
of each other.” And I am really worried that this is true. We have Happn now
too, which means you can engage with people you “crossed paths” with, so if you
see someone in the street you think is attractive, you can try to find them on
there and start a conversation there. What happened to just going up to a guy
and asking for a light? Have we lost the ability to communicate? I plan to find
out, I have just downloaded Happn.
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